The Witch of Portobello

How do we find the courage to always be true to ourselves – even if we are unsure of who we are?

These are the words that caught my attention when I visited a book fair 2 years ago. As a woman, wife and mother who’s trying to grapple with my own identity and what I wanted from life, I was naturally intrigue as to what this book had to offer. Since the book was on sale, and I was quite impressed with another book by the same author, Like the Flowing River which was a gift from a colleague, I went on to make this purchase. However, after I bought it, I just put it aside and never had the chance to touch it until recently, when I ran out of books to read.

I felt connected immediately when I read about how Athena, who always felt restless despite her having a contented life. Like her, when I was not doing anything, my mind would start wandering – worrying about little things, or thinking about future things. When I was small, I even made up stories in my mind of how I wanted my future to be. I didn’t know why I did that, and I had no way of stopping my thoughts from flowing. In other words, my mind was always on the go. I couldn't really relax or not think about anything at all. Hence, I was deeply touched when I read of how she went in search of something to fill up the blank spaces in her life, only to discover that the silences between the notes were what make the music more powerful, and the pause between the letters that’s what made the calligraphy more beautiful. When she learnt to embrace the silence, the spaces, she experienced a different aura. This, I have not learnt how to master yet :)

The whole story was told in a very unique way, with a twist at the end. Coehlo unfold the tale from a few narrators, allowing us to interpret the story by piecing up all the details gathered by different people and forming our own impression of the main character, rather than being clouded by one narrator's perspective. Some of the conversations discussed made me reflect about many things in my life. I really salute the author, Paulo Coelho, for his ability to present the story in such a way that touched about the actual reality in life. However, I do agree that some of the things being discussed were rather abstract, giving us a very new-agey kind of feeling. Maybe that’s why some said this is a story of a woman of the “twenty-second century living in the twenty-first”.

At some point, I felt that things were just too simple in the story. When Athena’s marriage didn’t quite work out, it’s so easy to just divorce, even though she’s a Catholic. Catholics forbid divorce, "But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." Mark 10:6-9

After her divorce, she was shunned by her church because she was not allowed to receive the Holy Communion. Having no other means to fulfil her spiritual needs, she went on to learn trance dancing, and from there moved on to calligraphy, etc. All this while, her son was tagging along with her. I was marveling at such possibility, because having children myself, I could not fathom how her child could be so obliging. And that led me to wonder if Paulo Coelho had any children of his own. I searched his biography but couldn’t find any mention of the word children. Only his wife was mentioned. Aha, maybe that’s why? Hmmm…

Anyway, I enjoyed the whole story very much as I read how Athena, or also known as the witch followed a winding path to enlightenment in the form of a female deity. She went on to find a job after her divorce and then influenced the people around her as she was searching for the 'light'. She managed to inspire her colleagues to perform above expectation, and the results attracted the upper management. That's the start of her carreer path, and she was capable of earning enough salary to support both herself and her son for 3 years without working. However, despite all that, she's still not contented with life, and that led her to continue searching for the long yearned-for satisfaction.

In her struggle to transcend society's expectations of her, this book reminded me of the power everyone had but refused to invoke in order to find their own spirituality. She even went to find her birth mother (she's an adopted child) because she thought she wouldn't have peace unless she was reunited with her origin. Despite that, she still couldn't satisfy her restless state. Finally, she took a student, following the advice from her spiritual teacher, and from there, she also learnt things from her student's perspective. Yes, even though both she and her student disliked each other.

"How can you teach me if you don't like me?" Her student asked.

In the reality of life, no man is an island. No matter how we dislike the other person, we couldn't live alone. Athena showed that it's still possible to impart her knowledge to someone she disliked, and the experience had enrich her tremendously.

How was the ending like? Read for yourself! A great aplause should be given to the author, for the way it was ended. The story started with the witch being brutally murdered in the first place, but the ending was not that gloomy. Even though I was hoping for a better ending, I could not agree more that this was the best way to end the tale of the Witch of Portobello. Yes, a happy surprise, so that’s why the twist at the end. Now, if you're wondering if I find that a worthwhile reading, what would you conclude if I tell you that right after I completed this book, I went on to purchase another one of Coelho's masterpiece, “The Alchemist”?

A Child's Prayer

One night, my little girl asked me to say a prayer with her. This time, however, she said everything on her own. I listened and was amazed at what was going on in her mind. Here are some of the things that touched my heart most (of course I've changed some of the wordings here to make it more understandable).

"Jesus, please don't let Amah become old. Let her be a young lady again. Don't let her be sick sick. "
--> Some time back, when she requested to go back and stay with Amah, Amah told her, "Amah is old already, Amah can't be taking care of you forever."

"Also, please don't let her walk like an old lady, but like a young person again. Do not let her leg pain pain."
--> Sometimes when she's naughty, she likes to imitate her Grandma walking and make fun of that. Ended up being scolded by Grandma :)

"Jesus, please let Mommy and Daddy can continue to work so that they will have enough money to bring Juin Juin and me to play Kok Kok Beh. Please let me go to Full Day and Juin Juin to Aunty's house."
--> Just right after we switched her to full day upon her request (and also due to some other reasons), she wanted to switch back to half day. She's so unhappy that she kept telling us and her teachers that she wanted to go back to half day right away. I nearly accomodated her, but thank God after the 3rd day, she'd learnt to accept it. I could see it in her prayers when she actually mentioned it - she knew that she had to go to full day so that Mommy and Daddy could continue to work. Before that, she even requested me not to work but to take care of her instead. And I nearly resigned too!

If only, things will really go the way how a child see it.... How nice if life is so simple.

If You Thrive On Being A Multitasker, Read On…

Do you do multiple things at a time? Such as launching several browsers with different addresses while waiting for one to load up, or cooking a few things at a time since your gas stove comes with 3 or 4 burners anyway? Or calling up someone on the cell phone while driving, especially when the traffic’s really slow? Hmm… what else? Reading while pumping? Having dinner over a television program? Snacking while reading? Or clearing your emails while waiting for your simulation to complete? The list can continue on and on.

Well, if you did any of the above, and felt that you’re actually saving some time accomplishing more than one task at one time, think again. To be honest, I did some, if not all of the above - multitasking. First, I thought I could accomplish more. Second, there were just too many things to do that I had to squeeze some things in between. And thirdly, it’s so boring doing a certain thing alone that I find it easier to pass time when I multitask that with another more interesting activity.

Let me elaborate. I have this habit of calling my parents while I am driving, just for chatting. I find talking to them a great relief, because I could just pour out everything to them and listen to their advice, or just checking how they are doing back home. Since I could not find other time to talk because my hands would be full then, I felt that driving is the best time. I have the speaker phone on, and I’m using my mouth to talk, while my hands would be free to drive. Yes, so I thought that gives me a license to talk while driving without getting into any trouble with the police. Also, especially when the traffic is bad, it’s not so boring queuing there all alone, when we have someone to take our minds off for awhile. Until one day, something happened that made me think twice. I realized that even though I could accomplish two things at a time, or removed the boring element away during that period, I was not focusing on what I was doing. When we lost focus, we won’t be able to do something well. And we might end up doing mistakes, which could actually waste more time in the long run. I have experienced making the wrong turns while I was talking while driving. That means, I needed longer time to arrive at my destination. I’ve also experienced leaving the parking ticket in my car because I was not concentrating, so I had to make additional trips to my car to retrieve it. These are just small incidents which haven’t involved life yet, such as an unforeseen accident. I also heard that robbers aim at people on the cellphone because that's the best time to attack - when people are off their guards.

But, despite all the awareness, it's still hard to change. Because it has somehow become my lifestyle. Another good example - I have noticed all along that when I was reading and pumping at the same time, I took more time to accomplish the main task, which was pumping. But since it’s boring to just pump, so I read anyway. It's better to be slower when I could read at least one chapter a day. Better than never get to start at all, I reasoned. It's like pumping has given me the justification to read, because when I pump, I could not do any other things except reading. Strange mentality I have, yeah? Ok, back to our original discussion. When I am reading, I actually spend more time to express the same amount compared to when I am just purely focusing on pumping. That’s because, while I am digesting the material, I actually slowed down a bit. Or, sometimes, I continue pumping even though I am actually done, just because I have to read a few more pages to complete that chapter. So I dragged on.

One day, while I was multitasking (cooking dinner and doing the laundry at the same time), my daughter was vying for my attention too – she wanted to tell me something. I told her to go on, I was listening. But that’s not enough for her. She wanted me to look at her before she actually started, “Mommy, you’re not looking at me. Mommy, look at me.” I told her I could hear her even though I was not looking, but she’s not happy. So I had to put my things aside, and look at her, before she actually talked to me. See, even a child could understand that. By looking at her, I could focus on her, and could see her expression when she’s relating something to me. It means she’s special, she had all my attention. Even though that also means dinner would be served later. That didn’t matter to her at all.

So, focus is indeed the keyword here. If you can still focus when you multitask, then please go ahead. I am not someone who could listen to the music while working or reading on something that requires a lot of concentration. But many of my friends could. I guess it still depends on what type of tasks that you’re multitasking; some can be done in parallel without sacrificing the quality. But I learnt something today, that when I multitask, I couldn’t give 100% focus to both things at the same time. Somehow, I would need to slow down a bit to get one task started, before moving on to the next. So even though I could complete two tasks in a certain timeframe, it would still be slower compared to if I just focus on one thing and get that done perfectly. Meaning putting my soul into it and not merely for the sake of accomplishing it. That makes a lot of difference.

Graduating Soon?

No, not yet, but I've been seriously thinking about this lately. As more and more Mommies graduated from the nursing room, I find myself contemplating to complete my course earlier than planned. Why? Because the nursing room is no longer as lively as it used to be, well, maybe because the time I go there is normally off-peak time where hardly anyone's around. And as my pumping partner just graduated as well, I find it rather bored to pump in silence.

But that's just one of the excuses. You see, I'm having a weird allergy where those rashes would only appear at night. It used to be every single night, after a certain hour. I felt like Princess Fiona in Shrek (she's a human by day, but ogress at sunset). Yeah, a lucky thing that those rashes only come out at night, so I just pop a Piriton and it'll disappear by daylight. But, that makes it harder for the doctor to diagnose it, because I couldn't show them those rashes - it's not there when I went to see the doctors. I had this even when I was travelling, so it's nothing to do with something at home. And my, it's a real bother. Without a piriton, I wouldn't be able to sleep at all. I'll be scratching whole night. All they said is it's an allergy, and I'm supposed to find out what trigger it. One even recommended me to go full swing on vegetarian food and slowly introduce a new item one by one until I find out what's the trigger for this reaction. So, how could I continue to breastfeed with this diet, and ensure that my supply would not lack of any nutritions? Also, I doubt I could stand the hunger, since I can't really feel full without meat. Hence, that's why I'm considering of an early graduation....

Also, although all the doctors that I went to assured me that these rashes won't pass on to my baby thru breastmilk, I was a bit worried. Coz I saw her started scratching at times too, as if something's bothering her. So, if the rashes won't pass to her, what about the medicine that I'm taking? Well, maybe a little bit, some said. But it's harmless. She would get used to it, maybe immuned and wouldn't get sleepy. Gosh, is that ok? I'm worried.

I also later found out that breastfeeding could cause our body to be weak, hence there's a possibility that our immune system deteriorates. You see, even if we have malnutrition, the best of our nutrients will still go to our milk. So that leaves the mother drained in a way. That's why it's so important to make sure we're taking nutritous food while breastfeeding.

Ah, but although the body is weak, the mind just couldn't let go.... yet! I find it rather hard to give up now, especially when my baby relies on full direct feeding when I'm at home. Furthermore, I haven't found a formula that she'll want to take happily yet, and I enjoy the convenience of breastfeeding at night and also while travelling. I've stopped my early morning pumping now when I discovered that her intake is so little, so I have more time in the morning to do other things (except reading, sigh sigh...). Could you imagine that she's still taking 3.5 to 4oz per feeding at 14months? So, since my body's weak, I wouldn't force it to produce more than the demand. No point stocking up, I ran out of bottles to store too.

Now that I'm taking Zyrtec, I managed to make the rashes come out only once every 2 days. But sometimes the reaction has developed up to the stage where instead of just rashes, I got swell on my lips and eyes too! Maybe I'll go see the specialist recommended by a friend soon, and do a skin test to find out what I'm allergic to. It seems that it's possible that I was not allergic to something, lets say prawn when I'm young, but after a certain age, these things slowly build up until my body just couldn't take it anymore after all these years! Isn't that scary? And I'm also sad to learn that this is genetic, meaning that the allergies could pass to my kids, not thru my milk, or contact, but rather thru my genes. They might have allergies too, but the trigger would be different from mine. You see, my mom's allergic to sun heat! When she's exposed to the sun (only recently, not when she's young), she'll get rashes on her body. Which make it hard for her to go out nowdays, with the heat and all. No cure, just prevention. Sigh...

So tell me, are these good enough reasons for me to plan on my graduation soon?