How can I find out the Truth?

Last Friday, while at work, I got a call from MIL. She asked me to listen to what Sze Yi had to tell me. Then she passed the phone over to Sze Yi. She was crying and she told me in between sobs, “Mommy, wo de pi gu dong dong. Miss X tuk wo de pi gu. Wo bu yau qu Miss X de school liao”. Then, MIL told me that she poo poo in her pants, so the teacher punished her by poking her private part. She’s in pain and wouldn’t let her check or washed that part. Horrified, I went back right away to check on her. On my way, I called hubby to check with him if Sze Yi was behaving any differently when he picked her up from school earlier. He said she was fine, but she told him that she had a fall that day. However, she was ok.

Upon returning home, I saw that Sze Yi was lying down on the bed, sobbing. After much persuasion, she let me check, but she couldn’t lie on her back. It was too painful. She lay down backwards with her bum bum facing up. I saw nothing wrong, no redness. Then, when I asked MIL again, she said that Sze Yi poo poo in school (not in her pants as I was led to believe earlier), so when the teacher washed for her, she was angry and punished her. I then asked Sze Yi if her teacher was angry with her. She said no, the teacher was smiling. And the teacher loved her, she also didn’t show any dislike for the teacher. She even said she loved that teacher too. Puzzled, I went on to question her why the teacher would want to poke her buttock, was she naughty? She said no. She didn’t know why either. So I told her I would bring her to see the teacher and asked her why. She suddenly got scared, and asked me not to do so. Now I was worried. I asked her why? Was she telling lies? She looked at me for a long time, and then she nodded. So I thought that was it. But upon further enquiry, I realized that she was confused herself. She was worried that the teachers would scold her for bringing this issue to us.

Sometime back, she told us that her toe was painful, someone accidentally knocked on her toe. So I enquired at the school, asking them if they were aware because I wanted to know what knocked her and was it serious. She was limping and kept complaining of the painful toe. The teacher followed up for me, and when the principal rang me back, I was told that Sze Yi told them she got it from home. I was surprised to note the switch of story because before that I had already asked her – where did her toe get injured – from our house, Amah’s house or the school. She said she got it at school – that’s why I asked the teacher. But after they questioned her, she told me a different story. She got it from our house. And she even asked me not to ask or tell her teachers next time because they would scold her. Now, I didn’t know who to believe. That time, her imagination was running a bit wild, so I didn’t pursue that further.

Now, I was worried if I took her to see her teacher, she would change her mind and tell me a different story. I wanted to make sure of that before I took her there. This time, she was persistent. She insisted that the teacher really did that to her. I followed-up by asking her to differentiate between poking and slapping the buttock. She could differentiate it very well. She said she poo poo in school, and when Miss X washed for her, she poked her buttock with her finger. And she’s in pain, couldn’t really walk and would scream when we wanted to check on her.

Not long later, when hubby returned, she told him, “Daddy, can you bring me to see Miss X and asked her why she tuk tuk your princess’ pi gu?”. Hubby laughed when he heard that. And she even requested me to carry her when we talked to her teacher, as if asking for protection. So we took her to her school, but the teacher was not there. We talked to the other teachers, and they said that it’s very unlikely that Miss X would do such a thing. When they called her, she confirmed that Sze Yi fell down 3 times in school that day (but that was because she was playing with the stool – sitting on 2 legs instead of 4). She then checked with Sze Yi if she’s ok, and patted her buttock to ask if she’s in pain or not. Sze Yi said she’s ok. When we further asked if she poo poo in school that day, the teacher said no, that day she only washed 1 student’s buttock, and she could remember it clearly because there’s no water supply that time.

So, how would I know whose version was correct? Sze Yi insisted that she poo poo in school that day. But her teacher said she didn’t. And she’s really in pain, she couldn’t walk very well. One of the teachers explained that for children this age (3.5 to 4), they would tend to mix things up. Maybe her bum bum was painful, and Miss X scolded her for something at the same time. So, she associated the pain with Miss X. But she was puzzled because from what they observed, Sze Yi had never been scolded by Miss X before. Moreover, she and another student were normally very quiet in class and didn't cause much trouble, so they were never scolded before. Therefore, nobody knew why Sze Yi said that. In school, she still said the same thing to the other teachers – at least this time she was consistent.

Worried about her condition (since she couldn’t walk), we took her to see the paed. When I carried her, my hands would be touching her buttock. She would adjust my hand so that I held her lower at the legs, not at the buttock. The paed examined her, and found some red scratches at her buttock. But it was not serious, and it could be caused by constipation. I later checked with MIL, she said that Sze Yi poo poo twice the day before, but the stool was not hard. I also checked with her teacher if she poo poo the day before, but she couldn’t remember because she washed a lot of buttocks everyday. But she’s very sure that she didn’t poo poo on that particular day which Sze Yi claimed she did.

Well, surprisingly, after the paed checked her and gave her stickers, she was ok, no more pain. She could walk very well (I doubted that she pretended she was in pain earlier). And we monitored her the next few days, she didn’t show any phobia of going to school, nor afraid of the teachers there. I later managed to chat with Miss X, she told me she was surprised why Sze Yi would accuse her of such thing. She said that Sze Yi was especially ‘manja’ with her, and she would rather she accused her of beating her rather that did such a thing to her. Anyway, we let the matters rest, because Sze Yi was alright. Well, I was VERY surprised when Sze Yi suddenly told me the next day that she wanted to go to full day (before that, any mention of the word full day would cause her to cry right away). I asked her why, she said because she got lots of friends there. I was still trying to figure out why, and when I kept on asking why, she then changed the subject and said she didn’t want to go to full day anymore.

Now, it happened that my babysitter came back, and we let her take care of Sze Juin. When Sze Yi learned that her sister would be going to Aunty’s house for full day, she immediately said that she wanted to go to full day right now. We managed to convince her to wait for awhile, since she’s still having flu. But after a few days, she asked again. When MIL told her that she would go back if she went to school full day, she didn’t cry like last time. Instead, she told MIL, “Ok, you go back and rest, then I come and see you ok?” I wonder what’s getting into her.

So, if you’re in my situation, what would you do? How could we find out what trigger her to say such a thing?

One Day at a Time

I wish I could always take each day at a time, never need to worry about what tomorrow has to offer, or regret about what I've missed yesterday.

How nice if we're guaranteed that we'll make it for today at least, no matter how hard it may be, or how tiring it is.

Here's a beautiful song, which I would like to share with you...


One Day at a Time, Sweet Jesus

I'm only human, I'm just a woman
Help me believe in what I could be
And all that I am
Show me the stairway, I have to climb
Lord for my sake, teach me to take
One day at a time

cho:
One day at a time sweet Jesus
That's all I'm asking from you
Just give me the strength
To do everyday what I have to do
Yesterdays gone sweet Jesus
And tomorrow may never be mine
Lord help me today, show me the way
One day at a time

Do you remember, when you walked among men
Well Jesus you know if you're looking below
It's worse now, than then
Cheating and stealing, violence and crime
So for my sake, teach me to take
One day at a time

My Journey in Breastfeeding

It’s not been easy with my first one. There were just too many obstacles.

First, it was an emergency Caesarian delivery. So I couldn’t breastfeed right away. Luckily I’ve informed the nurses that I wanted my baby to be spoon fed, so she wouldn’t have nipple confusion later. But when I requested my baby to be cup-fed in the confinement center, the caretaker told me that the babies there did not have nipple confusion even after being introduced to the bottle. Still, they obliged me. However, when they cup feed my baby, the milk dripped down her chin and she developed mild rashes on her neck. Not to mention, that’s also a kind of wastage on my precious milk. So I agreed when they asked me to give it a try on bottle-feeding, but right after that, she rejected my nipple. I felt depressed. I instructed them to resume cup feeding again, and I fought with my baby for 2 days. I let her go hungry (yes, I was that hard), just to train her back. Luckily I succeeded, and I could continue to breastfeed her directly.

But after that, I had other problems. My nipples cracked and bleed. I had to throw away the milk because I saw blood in my milk. I couldn’t nurse her due to the pain. I was at a lost of what to do. Even pumping felt so painful (I was using the electric pump). In the end, I applied Beepanthen cream and still pumped instead of nursed her directly, always hoping there’s no blood, because once there’s a blood sign, the whole bottle of milk would need to be poured away.

That’s not the end of the story yet. I had fever during my confinement, and was advised to throw away the milk by the nurses at the confinement center since I was taking paracetamol. That time, I was very new to breastfeeding, so I believed them. And furthermore, the advice was given by a nurse from Adventist who’s working part time at the confinement center. So I threw away my precious milk. And that time I didn’t even have enough. I had to mix with formula already. Imagine what agony I was going thru.

To further add salt to my wound, the flu epidemic began. The babies in the confinement center got sick one by one. I was so afraid that I quickly requested to have my baby roomed in with me. I was lucky to stay in a single room then. But it was too late. She got the virus too. I sent her back to be taken care by MIL while they cleaned up the nursery. I was so afraid that she would forget how to suckle again after being bottle fed for two full days. Luckily, she didn’t.

While I was in confinement, my milk supply only managed to last during the day time. At night, I had to give her formula. But when I went back home during my 2nd month, I was very happy to note that my supply suddenly became so much that I could actually stock up. Maybe that's due to the food I ate, since MIL continued to cook confinement food for me. However, MIL wouldn’t let me breastfeed my baby directly. She preferred me to pump out and bottle feed her instead. Her reasons – she was afraid my baby would not want to drink from the bottle later when I went back to work. So I only managed to breastfeed her at night. That’s not everyday too, because MIL insisted to take care of the baby at night too. She’s afraid that when the baby cried at night, she would wake hubby up and he won’t have enough sleep. We finally settled for alternate nights. And on the nights that she took care of her, sometimes she would feed her formula. In fact, when I went back to work, she’s been feeding my baby formula on and off, even when I actually had enough to breastfeed her fully. Her excuses would either be – my baby couldn’t wait for her to warm up the milk, or my baby wouldn’t want to drink my milk. But my baby wanted formula. At other times, she would say that formula was more nutritious than breastmilk. If I ever got sick or had rashes of any kind, she would be reluctant to let me breastfeed her. So, I really had a lot of obstacles in fully breastfeeding my first child.

Despite all that, I hang on. That needed a lot of patience. Even my mum asked me to stop, because she felt that it's not necessary to breastfeed for so long. She breastfeed me for 3 months, and that was considered very long during her time. According to her, all the nutrients that we took would be in the breastmilk, so that means my immune system would be weaker when I continued to breastfeed longer. As about hubby, he kept asking me to relax and be more open, it’s ok to feed formula once in a while, even though he agreed that breastmilk is best.

With the strong current against me, I finally found solace in my breastfeeding buddies at work. The talks behind the screens had given me a new found strength, motivation and perseverance to continue on with what I believed was best for my baby. In the end, I succeeded. Praise the Lord! I only stopped when my baby’s about 15 months (and I’ve enjoyed 12 months without having any menstrual cycle – that’s one of the best things in breastfeeding), when my supply suddenly became less and my baby refused to nurse since nothing much came out.

So, when the 2nd child came, I doubted if I could breastfeed for long, after all that I’ve gone thru. I was not sure if I still had the energy to withstand whatever obstacles that may come. But things were so much better this time. Everything went smooth sailing – I had a miraculous normal delivery which gave me a head start to nurse her right after she was born. Then, I had so much supply that I could breastfeed two kids fully at one point. Even then, I always felt engorged and ran out of bottles. Finally I gave my baby milk bath (The big one didn’t want to bathe in that white pool, somehow). I certainly saved a lot of $$$ in formula milk, much to hubby’s delight. And this time, MIL was very supportive too. Maybe she finally realized the benefits afterall. I was amazed to find such a sudden switch. As for my babysitter, I managed to find one that willingly co-operate, even though she did hinted that there's no need to breastfeed for so long. What else could I ask for?

Nevertheless, there’s no such thing as a smooth sailing river. The waves came in once in awhile – if last time my problems mainly stemed from my lack of supply, this time it's the other way round. My baby had difficulty nursing since the flow was too fast. Sometimes she would choke and then throw out the milk. Also, since I didn't mix with formula, my baby had jaundice. It was so bad that I had to stop breastfeeding for awhile. But later, the paed gave me the greenlight to continue breastfeeding when the tests’ results indicated that it’s breastmilk jaundice. Again, I had to fight with my baby for 2 days to train her back to suck. Because she was waiting to be cup fed, and forgot how to suck!

And not long later, my baby suffered nappy rash until her skin was terribly sore. That's because breastfed babies would poo more frequent and that irritated her skin. Even the sight of her skin condition made me ached in pain. My mother suggested formula temporary. I refused to give in. When it became so bad that my MIL also voiced the same suggestion, I relented. So formula be it until she’s better. Only a few days, and we could see an improvement. When things were better, I continued to breastfeed again. Things were going my way since then, but once in a while, I had some minor problems like mastitis and I sought treatment. I also learned that when we’re engorged and nothing else worked, the baby would be the best remedy. When she suckled, she helped to reduce the engorgement and it’s most effective when we nursed with the pull of gravity on our side, meaning putting her on the bed and go on all four to breastfeed her. That way, I managed to remove the lump that was bothering me.

Then, there’s the pump problem. I used to own an electric pump (a Medela mini E) when I had my first child. After that, I purchased a manual Avent pump when I needed to travel (I even went thru the trouble of storing my milk and bringing them back once after a friend shared with me this possibility – before that I either poured it away, drank it myself (!!!) or had milk bath with it). So when I had my 2nd baby, I had 2 pumps. I was very comfortable with the electric one, it’s faster and less messy. But then, the motor gave way when my 2nd baby was ~9 months old, so I had no choice but to revert to the manual pump. It was going fine until the days when my hands suddenly felt numb. I could hardly moved my hand! Again, my mother advised me to stop. Look what breastfeeding had done to me! In the end, I contemplated to get another electric pump. Two very good friends borrowed me their electric pumps to help me figure out which one would suit me better. And to find out if the numbness was due to the manual pump or not. To cut the story short, after trying a few remedies, the numbness subsided. So I continued using my existing manual pump.

So there, breastfeeding is not easy. If one person (me) could experience so many problems, I'm sure there's more out there. That's because, from the many problems that my friends consulted me on, some of which I've not encountered before.

Honestly, not many mothers are willing to go thru this journey, but those who choose this path, are never without regrets. That's why I wanted to post this, so as to bring awareness to all the mothers out there - that breastfeeding is indeed the best gift to your child.

To all of you breastfeeding mother, bravo and keep the flow going!

Things I want my Daughters to Know

When I first saw this book, I was captivated by the title itself. Then I read the synopsis, and I was all the more tempted to buy it. Well, I finally did.



How do you cope in a world without your mother? When Barbara realizes time is running out, she writes letters to her four daughters, aware that they'll be facing the trials and triumphs of life without her at their side. But how can she leave them when they still have so much growing up to do? Take Lisa, in her midthirties but incapable of making a commitment; or Jennifer, trapped in a stale marriage and buttoned up so tight she could burst. Twentysomething Amanda, the traveler, has always distanced herself from the rest of the family; and then there's Hannah, a teenage girl on the verge of womanhood about to be parted from the mother she adores. But by drawing on the wisdom in Barbara's letters, the girls might just find a way to cope with their loss. And in coming to terms with their bereavement, can they also set themselves free to enjoy their lives with all the passion and love each deserves? This heartfelt novel by bestselling author Elizabeth Noble celebrates family, friends… and the glorious, endless possibilities of life.

What would you like to tell your daughter? What do you wish you could tell – or have told – your mother before it's too late?

This book reminds me of the emails that I wrote for my daughters. I started with my pregnancy journals before they were born, and then I moved on to blog about their childhood. Even though the blog was created by my husband, I was the one who maintained it till now. Apart from that, I also write emails to them, sharing with them on things that were more personal, or things that the rest wouldn’t care much. Initially, I made it a point to write at least once a month, but now the interval was somehow dragged further apart. Still, I have managed to write to them on special occasions, which I intend to carry on. If you’re wondering why I wrote to them, then maybe you can ask yourself this question – why do you take photos or videos of your children? Instead of capturing the expressions and the moments, I find that a lot of things couldn’t be captured by photos or videos alone. Thoughts, especially, is one of them.

Even though this is a fiction, the contents that it is trying to bring up, is very real. It tells of a dying mother (haha, yes, again on such topic – to which I have been chided by hubby for my reading selection lately), who has been diagnosed of cancer. She left behind 4 daughters, and a husband who was the stepfather to her 3 elder daughters, but the real father to the youngest one. Because she knew that she won't be around anymore when her daughters are growing up and needed advice, she started to write journals for each of them, hoping that these journals would somehow soothe them and guide them when they needed her most. A very inspiring story that covers a broad perspective, and many scenarios, I’d say.

A mother, no matter how highly the children look up to, is never without flaws. This is strongly pointed out in the novel. They later learnt not to focus on the flaws, but rather, how it has made them stronger, by learning how to overcome it and making the best out of it. Of course, a father’s role is also very important, which was very well brought up by the author. But the essence of the book lies in the journals which the mother wrote, for each one of them, so that they wouldn’t fall apart when she’s gone.

After reading this novel, I’m all the more determined to continue my tradition of email writing to my girls. So, do you have anything that you’d like your daughters, sons, or loved ones to know before it’s too late?

A Choice Over Death - Thots to Ponder

If given a choice, how would you like to die? A slow death where you need to suffer and count your remaining days, or a quick one without any notice or much suffering? I would have chosen the 2nd one, until I read this book, Tuesdays with Morrie, which was a gift from a good friend.

This book revolve around a true story of an old man (Morrie the professor), his young student (Mitch Abom, the author of the book) and their lessons which took place every Tuesdays. Morrie, who has been diagnosed with ALS, was dying a slow death, but that did not stop him from living his life to the fullest. He was later reunited with his long lost student, Mitch, who promised he’ll keep in touch after his graduation but did not, because, he was caught in the rat race of his career. Well, after meeting his dear professor, he was jolted from his daily routine, which involves none other than multitasking 3 things at a time. Morrie’s illness and death gave Mitch a perspective that directly changed his life. The very success that caused him to neglect the most important things became the means to send Morrie’s message to all who need reminders of what those things were.


That’s how this book came about – when they decided to document their life’s lessons that took place during Morrie's last remaining Tuesdays into a thesis, their last project together. They touched on many aspects of life – relationship, love, forgiveness, money, family, and also how to die. According to Morrie, only by learning how to die, we would be able to learn how to live.

What I like about this book is that it was short and to the point, so I could easily finish at least 1 chapter during my early morning pump. Well, I’m not going to write any review on this book here, as one can easily find it in the world wide web. Just google for Tuesdays with Morrie, and they’ll fill your screens instantly. What I’m going to share here are my thoughts on this subject.

It’s irony that we only talk about this kind of subject – death when someone close to us, is going thru that phase. And it’s often after such incident, that we start to make changes to our life, so that we would have less regrets later. And then, after a short while, the rat race out there would distract us, so we’re back to square one. The cycle then continues, until we hear of someone close to us or someone we know is diagnosed with some terminal disease. So, it’s good to have this book besides us, to always remind us, that we should not wait until death loomed near only we start to appreciate what we’re having now.

No one ever regrets that they didn’t spend extra hours in the office when they are going to die. Or that they haven’t read yesterday’s news yet. Instead, people always say how much they wished they have spent more time with their loved ones, keeping in touch with their friends, enjoy the new scenery and fresh air out there, or reconciled with the hurt of their past before it's too late, to seek forgiveness and to forgive, etc. It’s always when we are about to lose something that we start to cherish it.

I also find an interesting part in the book, where Morrie arranged his farewell party. He had a mock funeral, where he gathered all the people he wanted to say goodbye to, and have them say their last words with him. He said, normally on funerals, people shed tears, say goodbye, but the deceased has already left. He won’t hear it, or see it for himself. Morrie, on the other hand, wanted to do it differently. Since he’s got an early warning that he’s going to die, he might as well do it when he could still appreciate it. Well, that’s the nicest part of knowing when you’re going to die, although the sufferings are unbearable. I have always thought to myself that I wouldn’t want to die such a long death. Besides having to suffer the pain and agony, we would also burden our loved ones because they would need to take care of us until we depart. But in Morrie’s case, life still went on. His children and wife still continued to work as per his wish during the day time, but their time spent together at night, or during the weekends were really meaningful. He had visitors coming to talk to him everyday. This illness had taught Morrie a lot of things too. That he’s not afraid to die, but to prepare himself for that day. He even spent time replying letters telling him of their problems. So, by helping others to solve their problems, he kind of forgot his own miseries, and felt useful. Imagine a dying man could so much, what about us?

When asked what was his greatest fear, he answered that someday, he’d reach a point where he’d need someone to wipe his backside. That's the point where he would lose all sense of control over his own body, and needed to fully depend on others. Well, when that day finally came, he said it's not as bad as it seemed. He’s ready, and he would enjoy the process like a baby. That there’s no need to be embarrass, or felt helpless, because it’s an opportunity for others to serve him, especially when he needed it most.

I think I learned a lot from this book, but as I’ve mentioned earlier, I almost forgot about it when I was overwhelmed with life's everyday’s problems. I put the book aside after I completed reading it 1 month ago. So, this post is to remind me to make use of what I’ve read sometime back. And hopefully, it’ll be a good reminder to you as well. That’s one of the reasons why I wanted to post this, which I’ve been putting off until now. Indeed, everything that happens have a reason of its own, and it's up to us to handle it - make it or break it. I hope, from today onwards, we would look at death differently. That death is no longer a taboo subject that should be hushed, but it's something that should be openly discussed. Because, if there's no death, there's no life. People only start living when they realized how short life is. Or when death is knocking on the door.